My life is at a crossroads...or is it? Everyday I am faced with choices big and small - do I practice what I preach? In all honesty, the answer to that question is no. I encourage my students to seek discipleship and ask God for direction. Yet when I myself face problems or challenges, I oftentimes internalize them and make it about me and what I want rather than what God wants.
Recently I gave up something to God that was very important, and I am relieved to finally take the burden off my shoulders. From the day I arrived in the Dominican Republic, I carried the mind set that I would someday leave here for other things. You may find yourself asking what is wrong with that, as I myself have often done. The problem lies in when I try to put God on a timeline.
"Yes, I'll finish my two year contract then move back to the States."
"Well, this new position opened up, maybe I'll extend my contract for a year, start working on my Masters, and leave to finish it in the USA."
"Perhaps I'll finish my Masters here, then go back to the States and work."
AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!
It is so stressful always having an end in sight, and for me it makes me lose track of the day to day in the meantime. I wrote a poem about it once, someday when I find the journal that it's written in, I will publish it here. As I was walking to the Supermercado several weeks ago, I realized what awful stress I was placing on my shoulders. Yes, I am the king of carrying imagined burdens. I told God that it didn't matter to me anymore when I left. Whether it was one year, five years, five weeks, or never, I would trust the decision to him. God would let me know in his own special way when it was time for me to move on. *phew*
Another thing that concerns me is the direction for my life. I am struggling with what I should be doing, am I following God's will, or simply doing what is falling into place. When I think about my passions, they are to group work/interaction, policy and internal action, and cooking. I've heard that you should turn your hobby into a career since that is what you love to do. Well, I enjoy cooking with a passion, should I enter into that career? Would it be a bold move towards my calling, or something I would regret in later years?
I don't see myself as being a counselor for my entire career. Is this just a stepping stone to something greater, and if so should I just persevere during this training time? I've always wanted to do something with teaching or social action. like community organizing. Is this where I'm headed? I feel so overwhelmed.
Psalm 131 comes to mind:
1 O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve
myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. 2 Surely I
have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child {rests} against his
mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3 O Israel, hope in
the LORD From this time forth and forever.
Please pray that I seek God's will, not mine in this situation. I so desperately need him in this hour for strength, assurance, and mercy.
