angst...part II

Here is an e-mail I recently sent to a few friends, but it is fitting to share with all, as it relates to the struggle I am going through:

thank you for this. it is difficult to accept. I wish I could say I'm feeling better, but I'm not. hah...even as writing this, the song on the radio is "he will carry you." God's promises are everywhere.

sometimes I just want the obstacles out of the way so I don't need to grow or feel the hurt, but God anxiously waits to walk through the valleys with us, through the obstacles. they bring us closer to his presence, something of great comfort and fear.

I do wish we would communicate more...I would like to enter into a deeper fellowship of community with you and rivers, but that requires deliberate work. here in the DR I am surrounded by a community of believers - who live, worship, work, and struggle together. I grew up in a small town, but didn't even begin to understand what community is until I came here. I long for depth, investment, to be able to worship and weep with one another, tearing down all the walls we try to build and let the iron sharpen iron. What stops us as a body from doing so? Nothing can seperate us from God's love, yet at times the chasm seems as far as the east is from the wsst, so close yet seemingly unattainable. There is so much growth that God has for me in the coming months, I am eager and I resist.

I am deeply confused with where God is taking Vicente's project, and the relationship between Rivers and the Dominican Republic. There is so much that could be done! Yet I do not know clearly what is to be accomplished. "Be still and know that I am God" I hear...sometimes I just go and go and go, and not take time to stop and listen. busyness, stress, fear, and anxiety ensnare me, and I am tossed back and forth against these rocks like waves of the ocean against a rocky shore. my hands and body continue to be cut and bleed, and I continue to cling to those rocks of anxiety and busyness, yet the Rock that calms the storm waits.
Psalm 13:1-6
1 How long, O LORD? Will You forget R279 me forever? How long will R280 You hide Your face from me? 2 How long shall I take R281 counsel in my soul, Having sorrow R282 in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? 3 Consider R283 and answer me, O LORD my God; Enlighten R284 my eyes, or I will sleep R285 the sleep of death, 4 And my enemy will say, R286 "I have overcome him," And my R287 adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken. 5 But I have trusted R288 in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice R289 in Your salvation. 6 I will sing R290 to the LORD, Because He has dealt R291 bountifully with me.

Psalm 6:1-7
1 O LORD, do R110 not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your wrath. 2 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining R111 away; Heal R112 me, O LORD, for my R113 bones are dismayed. 3 And my soul R114 is greatly dismayed; But You, O LORD--how R115 long? 4 Return, O LORD, rescue R116 my soul; F51 Save me because of Your lovingkindness. 5 For there R117 is no mention F52 of You in death; In Sheol F53 who will give You thanks? 6 I am weary R118 with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my R119 tears. 7 My eye R120 has wasted away with grief; It has become old because of all my adversaries.

Psalm 35:17-28
17 Lord, how R1021 long will You look on? Rescue my soul from R1022 their ravages, My only R1023 life from the lions. 18 I will give R1024 You thanks in the great congregation; I will praise R1025 You among a mighty throng. 19 Do R1026 not let those who are wrongfully my R1027 enemies rejoice over me; Nor let those who R1028 hate me without cause wink R1029 F309 maliciously. 20 For they do not speak peace, But they devise deceitful R1030 words against those who are quiet in the land. 21 They opened R1031 their mouth wide against me; They said, "Aha, R1032 aha, our eyes have seen it!" 22 You R1033 have seen it, O LORD, do R1034 not keep silent; O Lord, do R1035 not be far from me. 23 Stir R1036 up Yourself, and awake to my right And to my cause, my God and my Lord. 24 Judge R1037 me, O LORD my God, according to Your righteousness, And do R1038 not let them rejoice over me. 25 Do not let them say in their heart, "Aha, R1039 our desire!" Do not let them say, "We have swallowed R1040 him up!" 26 Let those R1041 be ashamed and humiliated altogether who rejoice at my distress; Let those be clothed R1042 with shame and dishonor who magnify R1043 themselves over me. 27 Let them shout R1044 for joy and rejoice, who favor my R1045 vindication; And let R1046 them say continually, "The LORD be magnified, Who delights R1047 in the prosperity of His servant." 28 And my R1048 tongue shall declare Your righteousness And Your praise all day long.

these verses echo the cry of my heart. I am also mindful of Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit"

that is all I have for now, may the God of mercy shower you with grace and love as you walk in the Spirit, now and forever, Amen.